What is it about the fear of failing that can be so
crushingly powerful?
Let’s back up a bit.
About 4 months ago I started training in earnest for this upcoming year
of racing. When I say “in earnest,”
assume I am implying a normal training schedule for someone preparing for an
IronMan race: controlled chaos at seemingly impossible levels of effort.
I sat down with my coach, told him what my goals were for
the next 2 years, and he crafted a smashingly clever plan to get me there. It was then my subsequent intention to log on
to my fancy blog and tell you trusty readers all about my experiences: the
successes, the whopping failures of days, the changes in my fitness, triumphant
battles with our worst enemy…chaffing.
Good plan…I failed.
In fact, I have posted almost zero entries about these months of
training.
Where did things go wrong?
Absolutely nowhere. And that’s
what hung me up.
Historically speaking, I will sign up for a race and tell
the world about it so I become motivated to train. That motivation usually lasts for a couple of
months and then I start to unintentionally taper (AKA: come up with excuses as
to why I am missing my training). “I’m
too busy, my patients need my undivided attention, I feel like I’ve used
sandpaper to cover my bike saddle.”
Seeing that as my normal pattern, I was worried I would do
the same this go ‘round. How
embarrassing for me to start posting weekly entries on my blog about my
training triumphs to only have them gradually die out due to lack of training
compliance. I was afraid of failing with
my training. I was afraid of having to
explain to my readers why I stopped training.
I was preemptively embarrassed about writing that all too familiar blog
entry about how bad a race had gone because I hadn’t put the work in to
prepare.
Flash forward to today.
Today I hopped on my bike, connected to a jazzy computrainer, and
performed my 4th FTP test to mark my fitness. For those who have done this, you probably
just had a vomit burp. For those lucky
enough to have never experienced an FTP test, imagine running at almost a
sprint. Now get gradually faster for the
next 20 minutes solid. If you don’t die
while doing it, you get an average number at the end representing how much hell
fire you can hold in your legs for 20 minutes straight.
Here were my results from the 4 FTP tests:
December 2013: 192 Watts.
Not bad I thought, but I hadn’t anything to compare it to. I stupidly asked what pros hit and
immediately felt short and unattractive.
January 2014: 215 Watts. A clear improvement. My training was paying off.
February 2014: 222 Watts.
A little better, but I was on my new bike. Sounds like a good excuse, but the fit was
totally different from the old bike and I had some accommodating to do.
March 11, 2014…
Knowing this was a 20 minute bout of nasty, I wanted to
start my average number fairly high and see what happened. As the testing went on, to my surprise, I
kept getting stronger. I was working
like mad, but the number kept getting better.
Had my 4 strong months of training actually paid off?
I finished the test with a manly grunt, and once the
dizziness subsided, I looked at my number.
After doing some quick math, my new FTP was 260 Watts!
That’s still not where I’d like to finish, but it’s a huge
jump in 4 months. Based on these
numbers, and assuming the stars align like the IronMan Kona gods demand, I
should be able to take around an hour off of my bike time as compared to last
year. That's not a typo, I said 1 hour!
So yes, I have been a bit hesitant to post about my training
during this off-season. I was afraid of
failure to the point of inaction. I was
doubtful enough of my own ability to stay dedicated that I made the choice to
remain silent.
Today’s results made me feel like I’ve finally got a hold on
this training thing. I find I’m spending
less time worrying about what will happen if I fail. I’m using less energy coming up with reasons
why I missed my workout. I’m wasting
fewer resources rationalizing why this year won’t be my year and how I can look
forward to future seasons.
And with all of this time to stop fearing failure, I wonder
what will happen when I begin to fear succeeding?
Holy crap! FTP of 260 watts?!? Wow. Congrats! That's some impressive build-up in what was a very cold off-season. Doubly impressive.
ReplyDeleteThanks Greg! This winter was atrocious, you speak the truth. If it hadn't been for my group trainer classes, I'd still be sitting on the couch, pint of ice cream in hand, with the crumbs from my last pastry resting gently on my man boobs...
DeleteThanks for reading my blog, and double thanks for your encouragement!